end of day

Day started off rough. Felt dizzy and naseous in the afternoon. Might be because I started taking lithium again. Went to meeting met a couple of old roommates there. Went out to eat after. Tired now I guess i feel okay though.

sun am

I feel the pain a lot lately. Somewhere deep inside it feels like i'm dying. An intense sadness that is overwhelming. It makes me want to withdraw from everyone. to be alone. I think i expect the pain to diminish with time. It always comes back and usually pretty quick. I had a good time last night it just didn't carry over into today. I just have to hang on and get throught it. I know I can if I try. I need to call somone to talk but I really don't want to. I'm sure I will feel better after churh.

morning again

Had a bad morning yesterday. I got better later but had a lot of ups and downs. Depression comes on very quickly and sometimes goes away just as fast. Later in the day had a lot of intrusive thoughts. The more I am around guys the worse it gets. I have managed to lessen the thoughts by reminding myself what /i am doing and where I am. When I talk to people that I know and focus on the conversation it is usually easier. The thoughts and images still come though. Sometimes it is easier to deal with than others. Talking on the phone really helps. I helps to talk to some people without having to see them. I don't seem to have the images in my head unless I am talking to someone face to face. Feel better this morning. Going to an eat and greet this afternoon. A friend offered to give me a ride. She is going with a couple of other girls. It will be a lot easier for me to go with girls that guys. I have difficulty riding in a car full of guys. It isn't always that bad but it can be a little overwhelming. My depression is concerning me. I went to the Dr. yesterday and told him about it. I am going to start taking lithium again. I had stopped taking it when I was in treatment because I didn't think it was doing anything. Looking back I was in such bad shape that I didn't know one way or the other. I just didn't want to keep taking medication. Especially without insurance. I know that I need to though. One thing has changed though. I dont' get sucidal anymore. I just get depressed and seem to embrace becasue misery is what I know and it is comfortable.

another blue day

Had a pretty good day yesterday until I went to church group. Had problems with flashbacks. Being around guys is painful at times. It brings back the memories of the past. The emotional pain, the blackness. Depressed when I got home. Didn't want to talk to anyone. Ended up calling my closest frienda and talking to her. It helped get some of the pain out. Ended up crying a couple of times. The tears came but I don't think she could tell. I should have told her but I guess I don't want to share my pain. I feel that I have to take it all on myself. I have to keep in touch with people because the darkness creeps back in after a couple of good days. I wish I could take it all away and escape from it. I think I have to face the pain and get through it to get better. I hid from it for so long so I know that it will take time to get better. The pain is tough to take at times and I have to reach out to people and hold to get through it.

thurs am

met a friend last night before the meeting. We went out to eat before the meeting. It was good to see him again. I don't really like a lot of the people at the meeting. They all get in their little klics and they are there for the wrong reason. I get that in my head even though I know it is judgmental. I don't concern myself much wether they like me or not I don't really care that much anymore. I go there to help the people that are in treatment. I try and ignore the other bullshit although sometimes it is hard. I did help somone who has been in treatment a week. His sponsor was there but he asked me to get a better answer to what was bothering him. I was able to help him and it felt good. It makes it so much easier to ignore the bullshit. I have met some new people in the other fellowship and have gotten to know some others better. Talking to other people really makes a difference for me. If I don't have someone to talk to or focus my energy I get depressed and in my head.

hope

I have hope today. The day had its up and downs and I still had flashbacks but talking to a lot of people has really helped. I talked to somone I met yesterday in the new fellowship. I was able to open up with him about my sexual abuse in a way that I didn't think I could. He was very non-judgmental. He also has been throught it so he understood what I was talking about. The more people that I can talk to about my core issues the more I can pull myself back up. My self esteem was actually good for a short time. Then it happened again. If I can lengthen these periods of time I may be able to feel good about myself for a whole day. I have been paying more attention to my emotional state during flashbacks. This helps me to identify my triggers. I do know that when I see a guy adjusting himself or scratching himself it triggers flashbacks. I remember specific sex acts that took place during my sexual abuse. I have hope today and the more I believe in myself the better things will get for me.

productive

Yesterday turned out to be a good productive day. Slept for about 20min before going to a new meeting. First time in that fellowship. It was not what I thought at all. I found people that had the same issue that I do. One guy had been sexually abused as a child and has always had trouble getting close to people. He has only been in one relationship his whole life. I have only had four realtionships my whole life. My relationships have never been healthy. I started the relationships to have sex. That was my primary purpose. I also have a need to "rescue" women I think need my help. When in a realtionship it dominates my life. I think about it constantly. What my partner is thinking why they haven't called me. Do they really love me? Why would they love me? I hadn't thought about my first relationship that much. I was 16 at the time. I can remember being very senstive about being touched. I didn't like being touched especially my stomach and below the waist. I hadn't thought about it in a long time. I always thought of it as being tickleish. I know realize it was something elses entirely. I remember it frustrated my girlfriend because I would ofter recoil from her touch. She had to be careful where she touched me. I'm sure that's why I have boundry issues today and I feel very uncomftorable when somone is too close to me. I feel vulnerable and it triggers flashbacks. I feel pretty good today. Finding people that can understand and help with my problems is a great comfort. I have a couple of phone numbers and I can call and talk to somone that understands.