another blue day

Had a pretty good day yesterday until I went to church group. Had problems with flashbacks. Being around guys is painful at times. It brings back the memories of the past. The emotional pain, the blackness. Depressed when I got home. Didn't want to talk to anyone. Ended up calling my closest frienda and talking to her. It helped get some of the pain out. Ended up crying a couple of times. The tears came but I don't think she could tell. I should have told her but I guess I don't want to share my pain. I feel that I have to take it all on myself. I have to keep in touch with people because the darkness creeps back in after a couple of good days. I wish I could take it all away and escape from it. I think I have to face the pain and get through it to get better. I hid from it for so long so I know that it will take time to get better. The pain is tough to take at times and I have to reach out to people and hold to get through it.