morning again

Had a bad morning yesterday. I got better later but had a lot of ups and downs. Depression comes on very quickly and sometimes goes away just as fast. Later in the day had a lot of intrusive thoughts. The more I am around guys the worse it gets. I have managed to lessen the thoughts by reminding myself what /i am doing and where I am. When I talk to people that I know and focus on the conversation it is usually easier. The thoughts and images still come though. Sometimes it is easier to deal with than others. Talking on the phone really helps. I helps to talk to some people without having to see them. I don't seem to have the images in my head unless I am talking to someone face to face. Feel better this morning. Going to an eat and greet this afternoon. A friend offered to give me a ride. She is going with a couple of other girls. It will be a lot easier for me to go with girls that guys. I have difficulty riding in a car full of guys. It isn't always that bad but it can be a little overwhelming. My depression is concerning me. I went to the Dr. yesterday and told him about it. I am going to start taking lithium again. I had stopped taking it when I was in treatment because I didn't think it was doing anything. Looking back I was in such bad shape that I didn't know one way or the other. I just didn't want to keep taking medication. Especially without insurance. I know that I need to though. One thing has changed though. I dont' get sucidal anymore. I just get depressed and seem to embrace becasue misery is what I know and it is comfortable.