monday

Didn't have my computer for a few days. Had a good weekend. It was kind of hard today, seemed like a letdown after this weekend. It was good to hang out with real friend. I'm making progress though. Flashbacks have not been that bad but they are still there.

thurs pm

I never want to write when I'm feeling good. When depression comes on I always want to write. I guess it helps get it out. It feels like i'm being crushed under a great weight. I know it's there and I can feel it but I can't shake it off. I find I can resist it put it keeps pulling me down and dragging me under. Down to that dark place of fear.

pulling me under

I was reading the sla literature and started thinking about myself and my problems. Reading that I was worthy of love and was loveable hurt to think about. Just thinking about my problem brought on strong feelings of depression and loneliness. It doesn't feel like something a rational person would do. I get pulled into a pit of despair and fear. Desperate for love and fearful that I will never get it. In the literature somone says that the more progress the make the stronger the old feelings come back. I feel like I take two steps forward and then fall into a bottomless pit where fear and depression overwhelm me. It doesn't last that long like it did in the past. I guess that in itself is progress. My mind keeps telling me that it is hopeless and I can't do it. I have to keep at it and never give up. I have to ride out the bottoms and pull myself out of that pit of despair. I wish that pit would have a bottome and that the bottom would keep getting closer to the top.

control

When I talk to somone that is trying to help me I have a tendecy to excercise control over the conversation. It seems that way anyway. I listen and then figure out what my problem is. Then I self anlayze myself and admit what my problem is. I don't think I can accept what is wrong with me unless I say it loud myself. I want control over the healing process. I follow the path laid out for me and then come to conclusion that I was already being led to. If I say it loud and act as if I figured it out myself it is easier for me to accept. In the depths of my mind I think I know what my problem is I just have trouble admitting it. It is more comfortable for me to live in denial. I knew I had an issue with porn for a while but I couldn't accept it because I like it so much. I want to hold onto behavior that is harmful to me to feel like I am making my own decisions and I know what is best for me. I only make progress with a lot of help from others. I can't do anything on my own. I need to accept the reality of my situation and not live in denial.

how?

how do i heal myself? Why do i always think the worst when i know that things are never as bad as I make them out to be. Every day when I wake it seems like i start over again. As if i forgot everything that I learned over the past year. Is my depression that powerful that I can forget all the good things and feel overwhelmed with darkness? A black cloud overpowers me and tears down all my defense. I am helpless, yet at home. Can I overcome that black place that pulls me down and tears me apart? It breaks me down until i am that helpless child, trapped and powerless. No memory but the overwhelming pain. The more i think about the more it drags me down.

pm tues

I'm not sure how i feel right now. I went to noon sla meeting. I kept thinking of excuses to not go. I was afraid to. Afraid to face others and share my pain. When I got there no one was there. I waited about 15 mins and finally somone came with a key. I am glad I went. I keep trying to tell myself that porn and mast. are not a problem for me. I know that if they weren't i could stop without a problem. I learned that much in aa. I have a lot of work ahead of me and i question wether i have the strength to get through it. I have to have faith and trust in God. I guess the pain is just hard to take sometimes. only time will tell.

mon pm

When i woke up this morning i wasn't depressed. that's the first time that has happened in a while. Went to a 6am meeting then detox at noon. Hadn't been to detox in a while so I was a little rusty. Still managed to get my story out. I feel like I could have done better. I guess i always think i can do better. it is so easy to find fault with myself. Went to 7pm meeting. I was tired and anxious. All day today i felt like anxiety and pain was right below the surface. I managed to keep it at bay but I'm not sure that is a good thing. I need to face my fears not try and repress them by telling myself i am ok when I'm not.

alone

I don't know why i feel so alone. It's as if i am by myself and everyone is a million miles away. Everone is out of reach and i keep sinking further into a dark place. a place where no light gets in. I want to be alone. To stay away from other people. I feel safer by myself. the fear is not as great and my mind is more at rest.

not too bad

Tired when I got up this morning. Accepted job as asst. house manager yesterday. Feel good about that. It's always nice when somone gives me validation and has the confidence to give me the responsibility. Should work out well. Felt kind of hyper after my medication wore off yesterday. Trouble sleeping. mabe because i didn't eat a lot real late like i do a lot of times. Didn't take lithium yesterday. don't think it will do much good and i have been really struggling with the depression and anxiety. I think i want to be able to control it but i know that isn't possible without meds. I think if i take more meds it should be another anti-depressant. don't really want to do that but i will see how it goes.

friday pm

I still struggle with fear and depression. I was better at work today. was depressed early but came out of it later. Went to starbucks before meeting. I was relaxed there. Thoughts and images started coming up when I was talking to people at the meeting. I was able to keep the thoughts at a distance but they were still there. Talked to some of the guys in treatment. I still know a few and it was good to talk to them.

lost

over the past week i have had a lot of emtional ups and downs. depression comes and goes but it seems to get real bad really fast. Anxiety is also a problem. I can't seem to get my head straight.  I can feel the pain coming on and dragging me down. Thoughts creep up on me and become overwhelming. I find that i need to escape to focus on something else. Books always help but i think i'm just trying to run away from my thoughts becasuse I can't face them.