?

My past trauma is constantly on my mind today. I guess I want it to happen again to somehow understand it and get past it. I can't put it out of my mind. I seems to dwell in the back of mind. I think that if I watch it happen to someone else it will somehow make me accept what happened. I guess I can't accept it and i want to somehow act as if it is something normal that a lot of people do. If it's normal that means there's nothing wrong with what happenend. I will start thinking about sex like normal people do without identifying every sexual thought or image in the context of my abuse. I think I am trying to inellectualize something that is purely emotional and I guess it doen't work that way. I can't decide if this is helping or making things worse.