Some things I don't want to face

memories from the past are something my mind resists letting out. I went to the movies with a friend. I had thoughts that I percieve as being things I want to act on. They are memories that make me so sick I think they are something I want to act on. That are not something I want or desire. I guess it is my way of blocking the old memories. When the thoughts came up I tried to stay calm and I started to remember things that happened.  It is very hard to face it because I want to somehow rationalize that it was ok and therefore I couldn't have suffered any trauma. I project these actions onto somone that is near me and I think that I want to do it when in reality it is my way of trying to forget what happened. I read this and it doesn't make a lot of sense. I am fighting with my own mind to make sense of the past and make it ok that it happenend therefore I can't blame myself. I think that is what is going on here. I blame myself for what happened even though I was powerless to prevent it. Fear seems to drive everything. fear that I did something wrong. fear that i can't ever get past it.