another day

I feel better today. I cried on the way to work and it felt good. It feel like things will get better even if just for today. The pain is there but some of it is coming out and it feels good to let it out. I don't cry actual tears that much. I usually just feel a lot of pain and sorrow but the tears don't come. I hold them back.
   I felt comfortable at the meeting last night. I had to tell myself that I was okay and that the people around me weren't focused on me. I sat by some new people that I have come to know. I they see me so much that I don't think it makes sense to them to call me. I remember one of them saying "why do i need to call him I just saw him yesterday". This is something that came up in his group when they asked why he wasn't calling people. I guess I didn't remember maybe because I didn't want to. It's comfortable for me in that dark place. I feed on the pain and drag myself down. I didn't talk to the "in" crowd of the "cool" people. I wasn't angry at them just indifferent. I have to focus on the those that I can help and those that are not so insecure that they have to adhere to the mob mentality. One of my roommates is like me. He doesn't care about the "cool" people. I talked to him at the house and he is more real about things than a lot of people. He feels comfortable in a group that doesn't exclude people. I always try and follow the group mentality but it never works for me. As I think about it occurs to me that I am too sensitive for the average guy. I don't care about sports or trying to look good by having the best looking girlfriend. I am drawn to things that are strange,  abnormal and dark. The new transformers movie isn't art and the hangover is not the funniest movie ever. It's just crap.
   My thought are all over the place today.  the lack of sleep didn't seem to affect me as much today, but it's still early yet.