alone

I fell alone a lot of the time. the sadness and depression comes along with the felling of loneliness. Work is so slow that I feel isolated. I feel disconnected from everything. I read and escape into a fantasy world. When I get back around friends the depression lessens and then goes away. There is too much alone time and not enough time spent with others. Being alone gets to be comfortable and that is a dangerous thing.

monday

Didn't have my computer for a few days. Had a good weekend. It was kind of hard today, seemed like a letdown after this weekend. It was good to hang out with real friend. I'm making progress though. Flashbacks have not been that bad but they are still there.

thurs pm

I never want to write when I'm feeling good. When depression comes on I always want to write. I guess it helps get it out. It feels like i'm being crushed under a great weight. I know it's there and I can feel it but I can't shake it off. I find I can resist it put it keeps pulling me down and dragging me under. Down to that dark place of fear.

pulling me under

I was reading the sla literature and started thinking about myself and my problems. Reading that I was worthy of love and was loveable hurt to think about. Just thinking about my problem brought on strong feelings of depression and loneliness. It doesn't feel like something a rational person would do. I get pulled into a pit of despair and fear. Desperate for love and fearful that I will never get it. In the literature somone says that the more progress the make the stronger the old feelings come back. I feel like I take two steps forward and then fall into a bottomless pit where fear and depression overwhelm me. It doesn't last that long like it did in the past. I guess that in itself is progress. My mind keeps telling me that it is hopeless and I can't do it. I have to keep at it and never give up. I have to ride out the bottoms and pull myself out of that pit of despair. I wish that pit would have a bottome and that the bottom would keep getting closer to the top.

control

When I talk to somone that is trying to help me I have a tendecy to excercise control over the conversation. It seems that way anyway. I listen and then figure out what my problem is. Then I self anlayze myself and admit what my problem is. I don't think I can accept what is wrong with me unless I say it loud myself. I want control over the healing process. I follow the path laid out for me and then come to conclusion that I was already being led to. If I say it loud and act as if I figured it out myself it is easier for me to accept. In the depths of my mind I think I know what my problem is I just have trouble admitting it. It is more comfortable for me to live in denial. I knew I had an issue with porn for a while but I couldn't accept it because I like it so much. I want to hold onto behavior that is harmful to me to feel like I am making my own decisions and I know what is best for me. I only make progress with a lot of help from others. I can't do anything on my own. I need to accept the reality of my situation and not live in denial.

how?

how do i heal myself? Why do i always think the worst when i know that things are never as bad as I make them out to be. Every day when I wake it seems like i start over again. As if i forgot everything that I learned over the past year. Is my depression that powerful that I can forget all the good things and feel overwhelmed with darkness? A black cloud overpowers me and tears down all my defense. I am helpless, yet at home. Can I overcome that black place that pulls me down and tears me apart? It breaks me down until i am that helpless child, trapped and powerless. No memory but the overwhelming pain. The more i think about the more it drags me down.

pm tues

I'm not sure how i feel right now. I went to noon sla meeting. I kept thinking of excuses to not go. I was afraid to. Afraid to face others and share my pain. When I got there no one was there. I waited about 15 mins and finally somone came with a key. I am glad I went. I keep trying to tell myself that porn and mast. are not a problem for me. I know that if they weren't i could stop without a problem. I learned that much in aa. I have a lot of work ahead of me and i question wether i have the strength to get through it. I have to have faith and trust in God. I guess the pain is just hard to take sometimes. only time will tell.

mon pm

When i woke up this morning i wasn't depressed. that's the first time that has happened in a while. Went to a 6am meeting then detox at noon. Hadn't been to detox in a while so I was a little rusty. Still managed to get my story out. I feel like I could have done better. I guess i always think i can do better. it is so easy to find fault with myself. Went to 7pm meeting. I was tired and anxious. All day today i felt like anxiety and pain was right below the surface. I managed to keep it at bay but I'm not sure that is a good thing. I need to face my fears not try and repress them by telling myself i am ok when I'm not.

alone

I don't know why i feel so alone. It's as if i am by myself and everyone is a million miles away. Everone is out of reach and i keep sinking further into a dark place. a place where no light gets in. I want to be alone. To stay away from other people. I feel safer by myself. the fear is not as great and my mind is more at rest.

not too bad

Tired when I got up this morning. Accepted job as asst. house manager yesterday. Feel good about that. It's always nice when somone gives me validation and has the confidence to give me the responsibility. Should work out well. Felt kind of hyper after my medication wore off yesterday. Trouble sleeping. mabe because i didn't eat a lot real late like i do a lot of times. Didn't take lithium yesterday. don't think it will do much good and i have been really struggling with the depression and anxiety. I think i want to be able to control it but i know that isn't possible without meds. I think if i take more meds it should be another anti-depressant. don't really want to do that but i will see how it goes.

friday pm

I still struggle with fear and depression. I was better at work today. was depressed early but came out of it later. Went to starbucks before meeting. I was relaxed there. Thoughts and images started coming up when I was talking to people at the meeting. I was able to keep the thoughts at a distance but they were still there. Talked to some of the guys in treatment. I still know a few and it was good to talk to them.

lost

over the past week i have had a lot of emtional ups and downs. depression comes and goes but it seems to get real bad really fast. Anxiety is also a problem. I can't seem to get my head straight.  I can feel the pain coming on and dragging me down. Thoughts creep up on me and become overwhelming. I find that i need to escape to focus on something else. Books always help but i think i'm just trying to run away from my thoughts becasuse I can't face them.

end of day

Day started off rough. Felt dizzy and naseous in the afternoon. Might be because I started taking lithium again. Went to meeting met a couple of old roommates there. Went out to eat after. Tired now I guess i feel okay though.

sun am

I feel the pain a lot lately. Somewhere deep inside it feels like i'm dying. An intense sadness that is overwhelming. It makes me want to withdraw from everyone. to be alone. I think i expect the pain to diminish with time. It always comes back and usually pretty quick. I had a good time last night it just didn't carry over into today. I just have to hang on and get throught it. I know I can if I try. I need to call somone to talk but I really don't want to. I'm sure I will feel better after churh.

morning again

Had a bad morning yesterday. I got better later but had a lot of ups and downs. Depression comes on very quickly and sometimes goes away just as fast. Later in the day had a lot of intrusive thoughts. The more I am around guys the worse it gets. I have managed to lessen the thoughts by reminding myself what /i am doing and where I am. When I talk to people that I know and focus on the conversation it is usually easier. The thoughts and images still come though. Sometimes it is easier to deal with than others. Talking on the phone really helps. I helps to talk to some people without having to see them. I don't seem to have the images in my head unless I am talking to someone face to face. Feel better this morning. Going to an eat and greet this afternoon. A friend offered to give me a ride. She is going with a couple of other girls. It will be a lot easier for me to go with girls that guys. I have difficulty riding in a car full of guys. It isn't always that bad but it can be a little overwhelming. My depression is concerning me. I went to the Dr. yesterday and told him about it. I am going to start taking lithium again. I had stopped taking it when I was in treatment because I didn't think it was doing anything. Looking back I was in such bad shape that I didn't know one way or the other. I just didn't want to keep taking medication. Especially without insurance. I know that I need to though. One thing has changed though. I dont' get sucidal anymore. I just get depressed and seem to embrace becasue misery is what I know and it is comfortable.

another blue day

Had a pretty good day yesterday until I went to church group. Had problems with flashbacks. Being around guys is painful at times. It brings back the memories of the past. The emotional pain, the blackness. Depressed when I got home. Didn't want to talk to anyone. Ended up calling my closest frienda and talking to her. It helped get some of the pain out. Ended up crying a couple of times. The tears came but I don't think she could tell. I should have told her but I guess I don't want to share my pain. I feel that I have to take it all on myself. I have to keep in touch with people because the darkness creeps back in after a couple of good days. I wish I could take it all away and escape from it. I think I have to face the pain and get through it to get better. I hid from it for so long so I know that it will take time to get better. The pain is tough to take at times and I have to reach out to people and hold to get through it.

thurs am

met a friend last night before the meeting. We went out to eat before the meeting. It was good to see him again. I don't really like a lot of the people at the meeting. They all get in their little klics and they are there for the wrong reason. I get that in my head even though I know it is judgmental. I don't concern myself much wether they like me or not I don't really care that much anymore. I go there to help the people that are in treatment. I try and ignore the other bullshit although sometimes it is hard. I did help somone who has been in treatment a week. His sponsor was there but he asked me to get a better answer to what was bothering him. I was able to help him and it felt good. It makes it so much easier to ignore the bullshit. I have met some new people in the other fellowship and have gotten to know some others better. Talking to other people really makes a difference for me. If I don't have someone to talk to or focus my energy I get depressed and in my head.

hope

I have hope today. The day had its up and downs and I still had flashbacks but talking to a lot of people has really helped. I talked to somone I met yesterday in the new fellowship. I was able to open up with him about my sexual abuse in a way that I didn't think I could. He was very non-judgmental. He also has been throught it so he understood what I was talking about. The more people that I can talk to about my core issues the more I can pull myself back up. My self esteem was actually good for a short time. Then it happened again. If I can lengthen these periods of time I may be able to feel good about myself for a whole day. I have been paying more attention to my emotional state during flashbacks. This helps me to identify my triggers. I do know that when I see a guy adjusting himself or scratching himself it triggers flashbacks. I remember specific sex acts that took place during my sexual abuse. I have hope today and the more I believe in myself the better things will get for me.

productive

Yesterday turned out to be a good productive day. Slept for about 20min before going to a new meeting. First time in that fellowship. It was not what I thought at all. I found people that had the same issue that I do. One guy had been sexually abused as a child and has always had trouble getting close to people. He has only been in one relationship his whole life. I have only had four realtionships my whole life. My relationships have never been healthy. I started the relationships to have sex. That was my primary purpose. I also have a need to "rescue" women I think need my help. When in a realtionship it dominates my life. I think about it constantly. What my partner is thinking why they haven't called me. Do they really love me? Why would they love me? I hadn't thought about my first relationship that much. I was 16 at the time. I can remember being very senstive about being touched. I didn't like being touched especially my stomach and below the waist. I hadn't thought about it in a long time. I always thought of it as being tickleish. I know realize it was something elses entirely. I remember it frustrated my girlfriend because I would ofter recoil from her touch. She had to be careful where she touched me. I'm sure that's why I have boundry issues today and I feel very uncomftorable when somone is too close to me. I feel vulnerable and it triggers flashbacks. I feel pretty good today. Finding people that can understand and help with my problems is a great comfort. I have a couple of phone numbers and I can call and talk to somone that understands.

sleepy or anxious

Getting up early is getting harder. I seem to be falling asleep during the day and then I have trouble getting to sleep at night. It might be that my medication wears off and I get anxious. It depends what I'm doing. I was at a meeting to night (chairing) and I was anxious at first. It got better once I got started. I know I didn't appear anxious but I felt it.  May be because I am so tired. Thoughts have not been to bad last couple of days. I tell myself that it is not real and that seems to help. If I am busy I also don't notice it as much. Talked to a new guy tonight and gave him my number. He has been at tpot for only a week. I need to get to know the newer guys because the guys I know are getting out. One of them will actually be living in the same house as me.

dude

man i am tired today. I can't seem to ever get enough sleep. I can't think straight yet.

sunday pm

Went to meeting tonight. There are several people their that I have known for a while. I got really depressed during the meeting. It happened really fast and for no apparent reason. I came out of before the meeting ended. After I talked to two friends. That really helped a lot. I have known them both since the beggining and I am comfortable talking to them. I felt really good talking to people that thought the way I did. That felt the same pain that I do. I am going to try out a new fellowship on Tuesday. My friend has some of the same issues as me and she said it would help. I look forward to it. I know it can't hurt to try. need to get some sleep tonight long day tommorow.

sunday afternoon

Went to church this morning. It was a good sermon. I got emotional toward the end. She talked about love at the end. It's the same thing I found which got me into the program. God is love. It's not about hell and damantion to me. I always thought that's what it was about. I was a little anxious later in a meeting maybe because i didn't eat yet. I thought about my past abuse. I don't want to picture or think about the people that molested me. I guess it's to hard to deal with. I begun to think about what happened but I started to put the right faces on my abuser. I think this will help get me through it.

Some things I don't want to face

memories from the past are something my mind resists letting out. I went to the movies with a friend. I had thoughts that I percieve as being things I want to act on. They are memories that make me so sick I think they are something I want to act on. That are not something I want or desire. I guess it is my way of blocking the old memories. When the thoughts came up I tried to stay calm and I started to remember things that happened.  It is very hard to face it because I want to somehow rationalize that it was ok and therefore I couldn't have suffered any trauma. I project these actions onto somone that is near me and I think that I want to do it when in reality it is my way of trying to forget what happened. I read this and it doesn't make a lot of sense. I am fighting with my own mind to make sense of the past and make it ok that it happenend therefore I can't blame myself. I think that is what is going on here. I blame myself for what happened even though I was powerless to prevent it. Fear seems to drive everything. fear that I did something wrong. fear that i can't ever get past it.

?

 Hard to get up this morning but i felt pretty good when I got up. Went to meeting last night. The thoughts were there but pretty weak. I started reminding myself that they aren't real. That it all takes place in my mind. I talked to a lot of guys at the meeting. I know most of the guys in tpot and I talked to several. It feels good to be known and to be available to help in anyway that I can, listening and talking. sometimes reassurring. One of the guys asked to go with him and a couple of others to eat after the meeting. I wasn't really up for it, mostly because of the money issue (i don't have much). He insisted so I went and just talked I didn't eat anything. It was good to get out. Food seems to be an issue for me. I use it for comfort and I guess anxiety relief. I tend to eat very often, snacking a lot especially during work. I eat even when I am not really hungry. I imagine it is a way of coping with my depression, which seems to be much better the last few days. I still think too much. I find that I am constantly thinking about what I am going to say. I do this during conversations and when I anticipate talking to somone. It seems to be worse when my depression gets better. It's strange to do that so much especially when it isn't necessary. I worry that I will say the wrong thing and get somone mad or that somone won't like me. In reality everyone thinks I am a good guy. The only reason that bothers me is that people talk to me but they don't seem to want to socialize with me. I'm sure that it is all in my head and i tend to resist socializing anyway. I think I feel uworthy and wonder why people would want to do things withe me anyway. Big self-esteem issues. One of the girls I know got nine months on wednesday and she I asked me if I wanted to go to Starbucks with her friends after the meeting. I atomatically said I had to get up at 5am so I can't. It came out without me even thinking about it. I guess I still have a lot to work on. It seems anxiety replaces my depression although it isn't as bad as it was even a month ago.

pm

Good day today. I seem to get very tired at times during the day especially around noon. At night I find that I am tired but have trouble getting to sleep. If I go to sleep to early I end up waking up early and not being able to sleep well after that. Went to meeting, talked to several guys I knew. Thoughts haven't been too bad today. They have been a lot better the past two days. not as intrusive.

better

Feeling good today. Still tired but mood is pretty good. Posted some pictures on deviant art and got some positive feedback. Feels good to have the validation. I like taking pictures and hopefully I will be working less and will have more time to do that.

relaxed and anxious

Tired today but had a good day overall. Felt more relaxed and at ease. Had a cash shortage at work and I couldn't find it. I dealt with it much better accepting that I couldn't do anything about it and that I needed to think it through. There must be a mistake I just need to calm down and look for it. Think. I eventually found it and felt much better. It's very hard to change my way of thinking and to not panic because I know it never helps. Went to church group tonight. Got very anxious half way through. I think I needed to say something because I needed the attention. I am still very self centered. I was able to get through it though and say what I needed to say. I expressed my desire to make myself available to people in the church that needed help with recovery. I emphasied that I not mention AA but just that I was in recovery and was able to help if somone needed. I also said I could help people with sexual abuse issues. Probably mostly by talking and being able to understand what they are going through. This may be a litttle more difficult because it is a difficult thing to talk about. I will find a discreet way to make my self availble without compromising the interigety of the program. Feel relaxed now and hopefully will sleep well tonight.

another day

I feel better today. I cried on the way to work and it felt good. It feel like things will get better even if just for today. The pain is there but some of it is coming out and it feels good to let it out. I don't cry actual tears that much. I usually just feel a lot of pain and sorrow but the tears don't come. I hold them back.
   I felt comfortable at the meeting last night. I had to tell myself that I was okay and that the people around me weren't focused on me. I sat by some new people that I have come to know. I they see me so much that I don't think it makes sense to them to call me. I remember one of them saying "why do i need to call him I just saw him yesterday". This is something that came up in his group when they asked why he wasn't calling people. I guess I didn't remember maybe because I didn't want to. It's comfortable for me in that dark place. I feed on the pain and drag myself down. I didn't talk to the "in" crowd of the "cool" people. I wasn't angry at them just indifferent. I have to focus on the those that I can help and those that are not so insecure that they have to adhere to the mob mentality. One of my roommates is like me. He doesn't care about the "cool" people. I talked to him at the house and he is more real about things than a lot of people. He feels comfortable in a group that doesn't exclude people. I always try and follow the group mentality but it never works for me. As I think about it occurs to me that I am too sensitive for the average guy. I don't care about sports or trying to look good by having the best looking girlfriend. I am drawn to things that are strange,  abnormal and dark. The new transformers movie isn't art and the hangover is not the funniest movie ever. It's just crap.
   My thought are all over the place today.  the lack of sleep didn't seem to affect me as much today, but it's still early yet.

hope?

had dinner with friend, went to two meetings. Talked to some friends. I have hope. I know things will get better if I stick with it and don't give up. It's strange that  a day could start off so badly and end so well. Today I don't feel alone. With time and patience I can do anything. Tommorow will start off better than today (I hope).

again

Depressed want to be alone. that's how i felt when i got up. Got to work and got angry about paperwork. This job is fucking with me. It's too much. I need a break. I want to go somewhere and hide. I want to be alone. I am afraid of people I know and what they think of me. mostly tpot people.

better

Feeling better now. Not sure why. maybe because my boss is coming back this week. Last week of working six days a week. Mystery shopper came at work. Forgot to suggestive sell but no biggie. Might have been nervous about that but I don't think so. still tired.

fear, anger depression

Struggled with self-centered fear yesterday and this morning. I saw a few people at the meeting last night and three said they were going to call but none did. I kept thinking, did I do something wrong, do they hate me? am I worthless and not worthy? I do this to myself but I know that the world doesn't revolve around me and everyone does't spend their time worrying about me. They worry about themselves and their own problems. They have the same fears and doubts that I do. I forget that and caught up in my head. Got depressed this morning to. Not too bad but just down. Maybe I'm just tired. Got to work and got mad about things not done. Not really a big deal but i got mad real quick anyway. I think the pain from the past, the fear from the past is what is driving me. It overpowers me. It sneaks up on me and drags me down.

pm monday

Went to a meeting. Good to see some people I know and some that I could help. I feel comfortable there. It's small and the people are easy to talk to. There are three people there that I have known for 9 months. It was good to see them. Having a lot of thoughts. I should refer to them as intrusuve thoughts, it's easier and they are intrusive. They have become more real and some of the buried memories are coming back. It;s not easy but I know this is the only way i can get through it. I have to face it and get through it. Put it in the past. This is just the most painful part (or it seems that way).

emotions?

I have a strange reaction when bad things happen to people. If they aren't family or someone I really care about (which there aren't a lot) i feel happy. I'm not sure if it is because i'm glad it didn't happen to me or because I feel better somone is in pain besides me. When I read a book or watch a movie I am more sensitive to what happens to the characters in the story than what happens to real people going through the same thing. Maybe I just take pleasure in the pain of others but only when it's real. strange but I'm sure it means something I'm just not sure what.

monday

Real tired this morning. went to sleep at midnight. Struggled with depression early. It got better once my meds kicked in. I guess it will be a long day today.

pm

Day ended better than it started. Fear is strange. I was in church and the pastor was saying that everyone needed to start bringing their Bible. I looked aroung to see if anyone had one. only one person did. I was afraid that I would be the only one without one. Then I was afraid to bring one because maybe only a couple of people would have them. I was also afraid to not do what the pastor said. My mind does strange things to me. Having a lot of thoughts today. They scare me and make me sick at the same time. They are painful and I can't control them. The meeting at night was good and I was comfortable there. It was the high point of my day. Also called somone from tpot, had a good conversation. need to get some sleep tonight but I know it won't be enough.

sunday afternoon

Picked up a friend this morning to take to church. I was not comfortable being in the car with another guy. It was like friday night when I was with my sponsor. The thoughts came. they were intrusive. My fear has come back and is making it hard for me. I often feel uncomfortable and the thoughts have gotten stronger. They keep coming up and I try to ignore them but it is getting harder. I try not to be alone. I don't feel as alone and depressed when I am around more people. My depression has been dragging me down. Taking me to that dark place of despair. I'm still trying and I won't give up. I just have to keep going to more meetings and hang in there.

p.m.

I brought my issue at the meeting. Got a lot of wisdom. People were glad I brought up the topic. saw a friend there, didn't know she was going. She is a friend although we never do anything socially. Is that how I define a friendship? Being social. I shouldn't because there are a lot people who go to meetings for all the right reasons. The people at the meeting tonight had seen me before and I felt welcome. I don't always feel welcome at meetings. I need to stick with the meetings I go to now. very tired.

dangerous ground

Went back to my old place after work. Usually it doen't bother me to go there. Today those old feelings of wanting to get high came back. I thought it through and I know how the story ends. I was ok but got my stuff together and left after that. those thought don't normally come up that much especially since I don't have a hard time remembering how I wanted to die the last few years I got high. The fear and depression at the time was unbelievable. I have been going to meetings every day and will go to one tonight and bring this up.

A.M.

Called my sponsor and told him why I had to leave. He understood but he didn't really know what to say. That's ok they if I were him I probably wouldn't either. He said he was glad I told him. Still a little unsettled this morning. it's been a long week and I'm tired. Going to a meeting tonight with a friend.

sometimes its hard

Went to see my sponsor at his house today. Started getting uncomfortable right away. Started having intrusive thoughts that kept getting worse. He turned off the tv and it was very quiet. The flashbacks came and I couldn't really control. I finally told him I had to leave. when I got in the car I got very depressed and wanted to cry. It was a combination of intense depression and fear. I got calmed down by the time i got to the meeting but still felt uncomfortable and kept having thoughts. I was real bad for a couple of hours. from the time I got to my sponsors for about two hours. tired now.

perfection

I have a hard time accepting that I make mistakes. I always want to do everything perfect. When I do make a mistake I don't handle it very well. I get angry and panic. I desperately try and fix what the problem is. Today it was a machine that locked up at work. There was nothing I could do to fix it but couldn't accept that. I had to try and then failed and got angry, panicky and desperate all at the same time.

stress

I can't handle stress very well. I had a problem at work that wasn't any easy fix. I got very angry and upset. It passed after a little while when I accepted i had no control over the situation. It worries me though that I can get stressed out that easily.

friday

I'm glad it's finally friday. It was a long week. I am having trouble working so much. It's wearing me down. I got more sleep last night but not enough. Right now my mood changes rapidly. I get angry easily, probably because I am tired. should be better when the medication kicks in. Flashbacks have been better this week. It might be because I have been writing this blog. It gets my emotions out instead of burying them. It also helps me look at myself and what is bothering me.

it feels good

It feels good to help other people. I have been going to a lot of tpot meetings. I have gone enough now that all the new people know me and have started calling me. I had two people call me today. Its very uplifting to help others. When i make the effort I reap the rewards.

addiction

If drugs could talk

by *Komahokaru

If drugs could talk

Every day I watch you bleed
Your dying gasp is all I need
Everyday I watch you cry
Until one day I'll watch you die
It's your fault your in this mess
Wanting to be cool just like the rest
Because you listened to your peers
I've now become your worst of fears
I'll kill your dreams and eat your soul
Soon one day I'll swallow you whole
I grin and laugh because you're mine
I'll walk with you until the end of time
Fear me child and soon you'll see
That never again will you be free
Getting rid of me is harder then you know
Doing drugs, getting high is the all time low
But you don't care, you wanna look cool
But on the inside you're nothing but a fool
You laugh and you sing, sing your happy song
Because in your own eyes you're doing no wrong
But you're doing worse then that, much more pain
Having to take pills just to keep sane
Lets fast forward to the day you die
You had no time to say goodbye
For in this coffin your dead body lay
Your weeping family, all they had to say
Is that you were so young when you took your last breath
They never even knew that drugs would be your death
They never saw the signs, not the sickness or tears
They didn't know you hurt from the gossip of your peers
That very same gossip that took you so far
The very same gossip that gave you your scar
The pain in your head just wouldn't go away
So you took drugs but the pain still stayed
Your heart was beating louder your thoughts at a lack
You never saw it coming, your first hear attack
The first and the last, it was the end of you
Never even guessed, never had a clue
If I could talk, that's what I'd say and
Don't do Meth or I swear you'll pay

 

I went through a lot of this myself

close to home

ALONE

by ~Mushi-No-Iki

No one can see the pain that we hide,
They're happy for us to keep it inside,
Our fear is our own; they don't want to know,
Why sould we involve them; why should it show.

You live your whole life in confusion and fear,
The need to feel something unbearably near,
Half of you living, Half of you gone,
And inside you know what your doing is wrong.

The thing's that can help, the thing's that may heal,
Are the flame or the blade and the sting of the steel,
The destruction of skin means the death of your soul,
But there's nowhere to run when your living alone.

 

 

I found this and can certainly relate, hopefully not as much as I used to.

sleep

Woke up at 3am. Can't get back to sleep. I'm not sure why. Normally if I can't sleep it's because i'm in my head or have a thought rattling aroung in there that I can't get out. Don't seem to have that problem this time. who knows. I might and just may not realize it.

comfort and fear

just got back from meeting. It is one of those that is more of a social occasion than anything. I am more comfortable talking to the new people than I am trying to interact with the people that I already know. I still feel like I have to fit in. I want acceptance but I shouldn't need it. I'm still afraid of people that I have known for I while and have already accepted me. I am in constant need of validation from people I know or I start thinking that people don't like me. Getting to know the new people is the reason I go. helping other people in pain is one of the only things that  makes me feel better. I remember the pain and fear when I was in early recovery. The pain and fear are still with me but I can actually function and work through the fear. I need to get a good night's sleep tonight six hours just isn't enough.

it's painful

The more I read about abuse and the result of it the more it depresses me. I thought more information would make it easier to understand or maybe even figure out. I find that knowing only drags me down into depression. I need to focus on something else besides the pain.

too much information

It bothered me to read this. knowing that so much of it applies to me makes it harder for me to pretend like i'm somehow normal and that what happened didn't affect me.

Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Victims
by Ken Singer, LCSW

----Denial of Vulnerability
    Difficulty recognizing that what happened was sexual abuse. High need for control in interactions with others. May appear stubborn and rigid for control in interactions with others and frequently engage in power struggles, or seem passive, codependent and conforming. Both are protection from feelings of vulnerability.

---Confusion Regarding Sexual Orientation
    Orientation is exhibited in many ways. Some men claim heterosexuality but are sexual with other men. Some homosexual men question their orientation and wonder how they might be different had they not been abused. Other men may not engage in any sexual behaviors with males or females and are unable to determine their sexual orientation.

---Confusion of Emotional Needs With Sex
    Needs for nurturance may be identified as sexual. Many needs may have been met through the sexual abuse and sex continues to be viewed as the only way to be cared for. Real relationships with other men and women are often seen as threatening and sexual behavior may actually be one of the few ways to relate superficially and still have some needs met. Societal norms encourage men to equate sexual prowess with personal value and discourage direct expression of emotional needs. Some men become "Don Juans" or give the impression they are "superstuds" as a way of proving to themselves and the world that they are not gay or weak because of their victimization histories.
Gender Shame

  ---Confusion and anxiety regarding masculine identity
 Extremely uncomfortable around other men. Does not like to be touched by men and often avoids situations where he may be seen unclothed. Because he does not feel part of the group, he is often isolated with few male friends. Shame is especially powerful regarding feelings about masculinity. "Real men" don't get abused, they can protect themselves. Internalized male models are shaming or nonexistent. May exhibit more feminine characteristics as an attempt to separate from negative masculine image or to avoid identifying with the male abuser.

---Multiple Compulsive Behaviors
    Sex, food, chemicals and work are examples of common compulsive behaviors used to satisfy an internal drive to continually push oneself to avoid feeling pain and to meet dependency needs but is not productive or helpful.

---Hypertension and frequent chest pains.

---Recurring dreams or nightmares of being chased or attacked, choked or stabbed. Difficulty urinating in public restrooms. Depression and anxiety.

---Pattern of Victimizing Self or Others
Most victims do not become offenders. Many dysfunctional behaviors may be seen as an attempt to feel more powerful, punish oneself or numb the unwanted feelings connected with the abuse. This may involve passive-aggressive behaviors or subtle put-downs. Some men, act out by exposing, obscene phone calling or voyeuristic activities. Anger toward self can involve suicide attempts or putting oneself in a high risk situations which could lead to injury or death without actually attempting suicide. Victim may react to a current situation as if it were similar to the childhood abuse experience. Victim feels powerless and cannot see the current situation for what it is. Coping mechanisms mimic survival means used during childhood. May actually become involved in abusive relationships as an adult that are in many ways similar to the childhood sexual abuse experience.

---Boundary Transparency
    Unrealistic fear that others can see their failures and vulnerability. They fear they can do nothing to protect themselves. This inability to protect self and feeling unsafe can result in difficulty establishing even minimal trust. Other reactions include anxiety, rage and withdrawal. May have a history of boundary intrusions other than sexual abuse, especially physical and emotional abuse.

---Chaotic Relationships
    Many difficulties around intimacy, autonomy (self-sufficiency) and commitment to a relationship. Extreme and intense swings in needs for closeness and distance with others. The need to be cared for and have dependency needs met is in conflict with fear of vulnerability and re-victimization. This behavior repeats the victim-perpetrator experience with the partner when that person alternately becomes a perpetrator and a protector.

---Poorly Defined Sense of Self
    Self protection has resulted in submersion of self with little internal locus of control. Behaviors are similar to codependency. Importance placed on attempts to avoid feelings of confusion and vulnerability.
Courtesy of Ken Singer, LCSW

P.M.

Went to a meeting at 8pm. It was good to see some people I know. I felt comfortable. safe. I seem to like to have superficial relationships. I see people I know, i talk to them, say goodbye and then see them again at the next meeting. It works because I never have to get too close too anyone. must be trust issues.

very emotional poem

Abuse

by ~InvaderCATHERINE

As you see me smile you
Don't see my pain
I try to hide
But you just seem to
find a way to bring me misery
Raping my mind
Bringing despair
But no one cares
Oh how I wish
I was never born
Immobilized by my
Fear and soon I will be
Blinded by my own tears
All the time I am
Being beaten by you
Using me for your own sick delights
Sometimes I wonder if I am
Even loved
I ask if God is really there
When will he save me
From my suffering

 

 

 

I hope this person doesn't mind me sharing this. I have often felt this way and it really touched me. I found it on deviant art.com.

is there anybody out there?

I wonder if anybody actually reads my ramblings. I hope that I can help people in some way. At the same time I don't want people to read it because it is so personal. That's why I am doing it anonymously. It gives me a wall to hide behind. I think this is my way of letting some of the pain out and trying to remove some of the barriers to my recovery.......

relief

I talked to my roomate today and made amends. Making amends is hard for me but it always helps. It removes all that clutter from my head and believe me I have a lot of clutter. I find that working on myself is a tough and ongoing project. I never get a day off. I do have good days though, something that I didn't have before. I have a strong emotinal reaction when I read and watch movies. It's hard to deal with because I often have to try not too cry in front of others. I guess it's my ego. I don't want to appear to be weak or helpless. I want to change it but I also don't want to become numb to everything around me. Maybe because I numb myself for so long I got used to not feeling a lot of that pain. Now i have to deal with that pain. I am still learning how.

tuesday am

seems like i got ok sleep last night. still fill a little angry and unsettled this morning. need time for the meds to work. hopefully i will wake up. still tired.

pm monday

good meeting at 7pm. I now know about ten of the guys in turning point. starting to feel comfortable with them. feels good to be able to help them out. still not big on socializing with most of the people I know now. maybe my expectations are unrealistic. not a bad day though.

monday

Woke up late today. Feeling ok today. A little tired. Despite trying to convince myself that my roomate is not such a bad guy I still have the "fuck him" attitiude. whatever. I'm not perfect and sometimes I think I try too hard to be perfect. I doubt and second guess myself too much. work is slow. too much time to think.

expectations

Feel much better now that i talked to some people. I developed resentments because I had expectations of other people. When they didn't do what I wanted I became resentful. I knew what I was doing but I didn't want to face the fact that I was wrong or that my problems could be my own fault. Blaming others is something that I am very good at. When I focus on what others are doing wrong I don't have to look at myself. I start out with something small and create a problem that keeps getting worse. I talked to a friend, the same one that I bitched about in an earlier post, and he listened and helped me to look at myself. It made a huge diffrence in my attitude. I went to a meeting after and talked about. I got a lot of support from people that do care about me. These are the same people that I blamed for my problems earlier in the day. Hope to get some sleep tonight and have a good day tommorrow.

nice guys finish last

I've finally gotten tired of being nice all the time. I'm tired of keeping quiet when somone pisses me off. My roommate scolded me beacuase I accidently put the heat on instead of turning the air off. It is always to fucking cold in our place. I never complain. I just put up with it. I go to sleep at night and if I only have one blanket I freeze my ass off. but I don't complain. I know I'm just resentful but I can't help myself. I have been having a rough time lately. I called three people that I knew on wednesday and left messages that i wanted to talk to them. I never heard from any of them. I talked to my friend yesterday about some things that were bothering me and he didn't or maybe couldn't help. I spend a lot of time helping others and have a very hard time asking for help. It seems that when I do need help I can't get it or no one understands. My sponsor said he never suffered from depression so he can't help. he doesn't know what to say. i understand that but i'm not too sure what to do to feel better. It seems i put a lot of effort into it and don't get enough back. or maybe my expectations are too high. don't know. not sure i care.

tired

I'm tired and I don't really want to be around people right now. It seems like the more I write about how I am feeling the harder it is to deal with it. I guess thinking about it too much is depressing me.

sunday

Feel better after going to church. None of the three people that said they were going to be there were actually there. I guess I have to high of expectations of people. It was different with the new pastor. I felt good at the end but it was an adjustment with somone new there. Change isn't something I'm good at. A few of us met with the new pastor after the service. She sounds like she can bring about some good changes to the church and expand the congregation. I volunteered to help and I'm sure they will find some way i can do that. I would like to be available to talk to anyone that has drug/alcohol problems. I just need to get with the right person to let them know. i feel anxious and tired all at the same time. not sure why. much better than this morning though.

early and angry

woke up in a bad mood today. angry for some reason. I seem to be looking for something to be pissed about. Finding fault with others is very easy for me. I do get tired of friends that say they are going to do something then send you a text at 1am saying they are not going. fuck that. If I offer somone a ride to church and do it every week the least you can do is have the courtesy to call me and do it before I go to sleep. I get tired of doing things for other people sometimes. they always seem to be ungrateful. whatever. I'll get over it....

unsettled

Went to the barbeque. Brought my new camera that I haven't used yet. Didn't take pictures because I wasn't having a good time, but it was ok. Bought the camera mostly so I could take pictures and post on facebook to show how great my life is and how much fun I was having. I guess that is what I was trying to convice myself of anyway. I  felt uncomftorble driving to barbeque with three other guys in the car. I don't feel safe being in close quarters with guys. I have flashbacks and I guess I am afraid it will happen again. feel powerless. helpless. depressed. unworthy. unloved. alone.

A.M

Rough morning. Got up depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I am always quick to blame others when things are not going well . Fortunatley, now I realize it and remind myself that things do not come automatically without any action. A lot of times I feel like I am at the bottom of a deep hole staring up. I know I'm stuck but I just want to stay where I am. Barbeque this afternoon. Socializing with other people is what I need right now.

friday

My depression comes and goes. Tonight it came on strong. Even though I was around a lot of people I felt very much alone. Depression drags me down and makes me helpless and powerless. I can't open up and tell somone what is going on with me. My fear is what prevents me from trusting others. As much as I have changed I still can't seem to help myself. I like to help others but my own well being is always secondary.

Do I?

Do I avoid getting close to people and having friends because it scares me. Am I afraid that in the end I will be betrayed? Is my mindset that everyone is out to get me and take advantage of me? I drift toward people and when I get close to them I push them away. Are close relationships with guys something that triggers my defense mechanism. Sometimes the only time that I am comfortable is when I am alone. The only problem is that being alone pulls me down into a depression. I don't think I have any answers to my own questions or solutions to my problems. Does my trauma define me?

?

My past trauma is constantly on my mind today. I guess I want it to happen again to somehow understand it and get past it. I can't put it out of my mind. I seems to dwell in the back of mind. I think that if I watch it happen to someone else it will somehow make me accept what happened. I guess I can't accept it and i want to somehow act as if it is something normal that a lot of people do. If it's normal that means there's nothing wrong with what happenend. I will start thinking about sex like normal people do without identifying every sexual thought or image in the context of my abuse. I think I am trying to inellectualize something that is purely emotional and I guess it doen't work that way. I can't decide if this is helping or making things worse.

my own worst enemy

Got up this morning with my head in a bad place. Thought about how many people didn't like me and why. Felt very much alone even though I have a lot of people that support me. Took me a while to get out of my head. I have to realize that most of my problems are illusion created by my head. Probably shouldn't have stayed home last night but I was really tired. leaving at 5am and getting back at 6pm is tough. My head is starting to settle now. I know I have to have faith and concentrate on the postive. Sometimes easier said than done. Good meeting tonight, looking forward to it......

thurs

another long day at work then took my car to get a/c fixed. sounds pretty mundane. When I'm tired things get harder and my emotions are harder to control.

doubt

 Doubt is something that invades my thoughts a lot. I worry what people are thinking about me. I always think the worst, it doesn't occur to me that somone may be thinking something good about me. I did that last night at a meeting. This was all because the chairperson pointed at me instead of calling me by name. Wow, it's strange how my mind works and how  I create problems when none exist. I talked to some new people last night and the flashbacks weren't there. I guess I felt comfortable sitting with a bunch of new people that I knew.

coping

My emotions are often raw and close to the surface. When I see or read something that brings me back to that traumatic time I feel the tears coming. It's not something I like to talk but it is something I need to talk about.

first time blogger

to friends of Bill W.:

I have decided to start blogging about some of my issues so that I may help others. I have been in the program since september of last year. My life has gotten so much better over the last nine months. Better that I thought it would ever be. I was abused at a young age and I am dealing with the problems that have arisen because of it. Some days are better than others and flashbacks are part of my life. Flashbacks are always there and I have begun to learn how to deal with them. I know there are many others out there that are going through the same thing that I am. I am plan on writing as often as possible about what I am going through and how I cope with it.

friends of Bill W.- I love you all.